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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26522197">Days Where I Was Insane</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maradaeng/pseuds/maradaeng'>maradaeng</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Cheating, Hwang Hyunjin is a Sweetheart, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Lee Minho | Lee Know Is Bad at Feelings, M/M, No Smut, Toxic Relationships, Unrequited Love, but this is still nsfw, more like an asshole tbh, seungmin is helpless</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:33:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,862</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26522197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maradaeng/pseuds/maradaeng</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's past midnight when he finds himself in the middle of Seongbuk-gu streets. It's cold and dark and Seungmin just wants to sleep the pain off. He just wants to sleep and hug his pillow and cry until he falls asleep, like he's used to do. Becuase he feels so stupid and so ridiculous and so dirty that it's painful. So painful that makes his chest hurt.</p><p>"I want to love you. I want to love you better than he would ever do, Seungmin. You just don't let me."</p><p>or</p><p>Seungmin being an emotional mess. Idk.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Kim Seungmin/Lee Minho | Lee Know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>166</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>kudos and comments are highly appreciated &lt;3</p><p>enjoy !</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seungmin is aware of how unfair life can be. He's aware that good people are always the ones that are doomed to suffer. Seungmin is not pessimistic, he just likes to be logical. He just likes to see things how they truly are. Seungmin knows. It's always in that room, in that bed and in between that soft mattress, where he finds peace. Where he finds comfort. It's always while he gets lost in his eyes and in his lips and between his strong arms, when he is happy the most. And he can't help but wonder, after all, why is that so. Why it must be him, out of all people, the one to make him feel safe. The one to make him feel reassured. The one to make him feel loved. The one to make him feel. Just feel. He can't help but wonder why he, Kim Seungmin, have fallen in love with him, Lee Minho. But it kind of makes sense to him, if you ask him, because who wouldn't fall for Lee Minho. He is Lee gorgeous Minho. Lee beautiful Minho. Lee fucking Minho. </p><p>Lee, who doesn't love him, Minho.</p><p>Seungmin knows. He knows it is an unrequited love. He knows he is stupid enough to keep playing with fire. Because that's all Minho is. Minho is fire. Minho burns. But Seungmin has always been a masochist, so when his skin burns under his touch, he doesn't mind. Not at all. Seungmin likes burning under those fierce pair of eyes. Seungmin likes burning under the path of those bumpy and silky-like pair of lips. Seungmin <em> wants </em> to burn under Minho. Under Lee Minho, who drives him insane, who drives him in the wrong direction. And it's so amusing, he thinks, how he can feel so right and so wrong when he is with him. It's so funny, he thinks, how Minho manages to drive him to both, hell and heaven, in just a blink. It's stupid, he thinks, that he is in love with him. So stupid and so silly that it's embarrassing.</p><p>"You can go now." But Seungmin is already buttoning his shirt. </p><p>He well knows Minho is not looking at him. He well knows Minho has his back turned on him. And even when he should be used to it by now, it still hurts. It hurts so much, so deep, that Seungmin feels his lungs burning. But he never cries. Not in front of Minho. Not in front of anyone.</p><p>It's past midnight when he finds himself in the middle of Seongbuk-gu streets. It's cold and dark and Seungmin just wants to sleep the pain off. He just wants to sleep and hug his pillow and cry until he falls asleep, like he's used to do. Becuase he feels so stupid and so ridiculous and so dirty that it's painful. So painful that makes his chest hurt. He rubs his eyes ruthlessly, helplessly, and waits for the cab Minho has called to come. And when it arrives, he pays with the money Minho has given to him. And when he's on his way home, he looks through the cab window. He looks at the moon. The sky seems darker that night — it's empty, there are no stars at sight to brighten both the sky and his stranded soul. And Seungmin wonders, as hot and salty tears slowly dry on his cheeks, if the moon feels alone, too, on that cold November night.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
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</p><p>Once again, Seungmin knows. Seungmin is quite aware of Hyunjin's feelings towards him. He has known for a long time now. Maybe because of how much care he takes of him. Or how he looks at him, as if he holds the stars in his eyes. Or how he touches him, as if he is the most delicate piece of glass on Earth. It's because of the way he changes his tone when he's referring to him. And Seungmin can do nothing but hate himself for not reciprocating such beautiful feelings. He hates the fact that, unfortunately, Hyunjin is not Minho. Hyunjin is Hwang Hyunjin, so full of love and grace, so full of positivity and warmth. Hyunjin is Hwang Hyunjin, who can brighten up any room, at any moment. Hyunjin is his best friend. His supporter, his holder. His ray of sunshine. Minho is Lee Minho, so full of passion, so full of poisson. Minho is Lee Minho, who intoxicates him until he feels out of air. Lee Minho, who drowns him in such deep feelings. Who holds his hand tightly, until his knuckles turn white. </p><p>Lee Minho, who makes him feel alive while he mercilessly kills him.</p><p>Seungmin always knows everything, but sometimes, just sometimes, he plays the fool. And as much as he does not want to admit it, it's for selfish purposes. He is selfish, but of course, he knows that. He is like a selfish kid — he throws the stone, he hides both hands behind his back, he looks away. He always looks away. Every time Minho's phone screen lights up, everytime Minho unblocks his phone, he looks away. But he always sees it. He always sees <em> him.</em> He always sees the one who, unknowingly, steals his happiness. He always sees the one who, unknowingly, is being stolen, too. Seungmin is a bad person. Ever since the first time, ever since he saw <em> him</em>, he should have stopped. And Seungmin regrets everything he has done. He regrets meeting Minho. <em> Lee Minho. He </em> regrets being fucked by Minho. <em> Lee Minho.</em> He regrets falling in love with Minho. <em> Lee fucking Minho</em>. But it is on nights like that one, when he's being held by him, Lee Minho, when he forgets about these regrets. It's between his arms, under his kisses on the top of his head, under his hand around his neck, when his mind gets blurry, cloudy. It's between silent gasps and drawn moans when he knows he is Minho's prey. And Seungmin wouldn't want that to be any other way.</p><p>
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</p><p>"Why do you like him." It does not sound like a question anymore — because, yes, it has been asked a few times, already.</p><p>Hyunjin is aware of his words. He is aware that he should say 'love', instead. The thing is, <em>he can't</em>. Because it would seem as if he has lost this war. Because it is beyond his strength. Because it is just too painful. Because, even if he doesn't say it out loud, he wants that word to be meant for him and just for him. Seungmin stares at him with that familiar look in his eyes. The look that tells him he is sorry. Hyunjin, how he could not, hates that look. It takes a few minutes for Seungmin to answer, not because he doesn't know, but because he doesn't want to. Seungmin plays with his blueberry smoothie, his usual at Renjun's café, and finds it interesting the fact that it has started to rain. <em> The sky is sad</em>, he thinks as he takes a sip of his beverage — it's unusual, he also thinks, for the sky to cry during November.</p><p>"Why do you care?" Don't take him wrong, he doesn't want to seem rude at all. He just doesn't want to hurt him. Seungmin wonders why Hyunjin asks such masochist questions and, for a second, he believes Hyunjin is just like him. And he pities him the same way he pities himself.</p><p>Hyunjin presses his lips in a thin line and looks through the large window of the café, just like Seungmin. "Why shouldn't I?" Seungmin looks at him and he looks back at Seungmin. Hyunjin wishes he could see through him, too. "As your best friend I want what is best for you. I want to know why you like someone that causes you so much pain. Is it that difficult to understand?"</p><p>"Then I could ask you the same thing, Hyunjin." He doesn't talk, because he knows what Seungmin is talking about. "Why do you like someone that just makes you worry, suffer?"</p><p>"It's not the same thing, Seungmin. You know that." His voice sounds weak, it's almost an inaudible whisper. It feels as if it got stuck deep down his throat. For a moment it reminds him of that day with his family. They were at a Chinese restaurant, he was ten and he choked with a piece of meat. It feels exactly the same, except the only difference is that he is now choking with his own feelings. "You can't compare yourself with him."</p><p>"You know nothing about him." Seungmin snaps and he immediately regrets it. Another regret for his long list. He has a lot of those, how much could hurt another one? Either way, he softens his tone. "Hyunjin, please, just— please. Don't do this. You don't know—"</p><p>"Explain it to me then, Seungmin!" It's Hyunjin's turn to lose it, and Seungmin thinks he has every right to do so. He is mad, he is furious. He is <em> hurted.</em> And Seungmin wonders, once again, why Hyunjin likes him when he is, in fact, no different from Minho. "How am I supposed to know if you don't tell me? How am I supposed to be supportive when you don't open up anymore with me? How am I— How am I supposed to just sit and watch you cry your heart out every time you see him?" Hyunjin's eyes are just like today's sky. They're sad, they're hopeless. And it's a strange and wrecking sight, he thinks, when it rains in Hyunjin's eyes. It's sad, he thinks, that that day Hyunjin's eyes don't hold the sun anymore. Because of him. "I want to love you. I want to love you better than he would ever do, Seungmin. You just don't let me."</p><p>That day, in Renjun's café, Seungmin is left alone with his thoughts. He carefully observes through thick glass Hyunjin go. Under his black umbrella, with rushed steps, Hyunjin goes. And even if he wants to, he doesn't look back. And it's good, if I must say, because that way, he doesn't meet Seungmin's saddened eyes, that silently ask him to stay.</p><p>Seungmin lets out a tired sigh. His smoothie remains untouched, his thoughts are messy. And he watches Hyunjin's back as he thinks he deserves better. </p><p>After a few regrets more, he calls Minho. After a few minutes walk, he is in his arms. Minho's.</p><p>
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</p><p><em> Jisung.</em> For once, Seungmin doesn't know. He doesn't know why, but after learning <em> his </em> name, he feels worse. After putting a name to <em> his </em> face, Seungmin feels like dying.</p><p>It's a night, as always, between the smell of cigaratte smoke and fresh hard sex, when he gets to learn the name of whom had become his worst nightmare. It's when Minho receives a call. It's when he leaves his spot on the bed, when he leaves Seungmin without his warmth in that cold red mattress, to answer the call, when he hears it. Seungmin doesn't know what hurts him more: if Minho calling out <em> that </em> name, or the fact that <em> he </em> now seems more real than ever. Before knowing his name, he was just a face. A face Seungmin would forget right after seeing it, while Minho asks him to not contain his moans. Just a face without a name. Just a dream, a nightmare. Just a picture. But now... now he is Jisung. He is Jisung, who is calling his boyfriend, who just fucked him fast and hard. He is Jisung, who is asking Minho if he can spend the night over. He is Jisung, who—</p><p>"—is about to arrive." Seungmin snaps out of his thoughts and looks at Minho. "Are you deaf? Jisung is coming. You have to leave."</p><p>Minho is staring at him, and it's a pity, Seungmin thinks, that he is staring at him while asking him to leave. "Who?" It's all Seungmin asks. He is tired. He is sad. He is mad. Minho looks at him with an exasperated glance and Seungmin thinks he is <em> so </em> shameless for that. But Minho is not stupid. Never have been. And he knows exactly what Seungmin wants to hear. After all, <em> he never told him about Jisung.</em></p><p>Minho scoffs. His cigarette consuming between his fingers, turning into ash. "My boyfriend." Seungmin smiles. A sad smile. Disappointed, to be precise. An 'oh' is all he mutters, and he hardly gets up from Minho's bed to get dressed. He feels Minho's gaze on him, and even when that is all he ever wanted, he feels uneasy. Once he is done, Seungmin grabs his bag and turns to look at Minho. "You should clean that", it's all Seungmin says before disappearing through Minho's apartment door.</p><p>Once again, he feels like crying. Once again, he refrains himself from doing so before he gets in the cab. But that night it doesn't work, and when he meets Jisung at the entrance of the building, tears are already rolling down his cheeks. Jisung looks surprised, shocked. And it's a natural reaction when you find a stranger crying in such a rush, heading out that late in the night. It doesn't sit right. But it's unexpected when Jisung stops his track and places a hand on Seungmin's shoulder. Seungmin looks at him, with wide eyes and slightly parted lips. "Yo, are you alright?" Jisung's voice is nice. He sounds panicked and genuinely worried, and Seungmin wonders if he always acts that way towards strangers. </p><p>"Uh, yeah— Yes. I'm fine. It's— It's nothing. Really." He rubs his nose with the palm of his hand — his gaze never lifting up from the floor. He just can't face him. He feels his face burn due to the embarrassment. </p><p>Jisung remains silent for a couple of seconds, as if he's thinking carefully what to say next. "Look, I'm not a therapist, but cheer up. I know it's a shitty thing to say. Like, you're not going to cheer up just like that." Seungmin smiles at his silliness and Jisung rubs his neck. "But hey, whatever it is, is not worth your tears. I'm pretty sure of it."</p><p>Seungmin looks at him, and it's such a deep and meaningful look that Jisung gets confused for a second. Seungmin smiles, again, and nods before finally heading out of his become-true nightmare. He leaves the building hating himself even more, if that's even possible. He leaves hating himself, he leaves hating Jisung. He hates Jisung because he can't hate him. He hates the fact that he can't hate Jisung. He hates the fact that he doesn't have an excuse anymore.</p><p>Jisung, who is still processing what just happened, is now in his boyfriend's apartment. He is sitting on the couch while Minho ends his cigarette next to the window. "You see... I bumped into a guy. He was crying. Poor dude looked devastated."</p><p>Minho puffs his cigarette. His gaze is lost in the dark streets. His gaze is lost in a slim figure that is sitting on the cold pavement. A figure he can immediately recognize. A figure he has memorized from head to toe. "Is that so?" He asks, watching Seungmin entering a car. And he wonders who Seungmin is with.</p><p>He frowns.</p><p>
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</p><p>And Seungmin is, obviously, with Hyunjin. Because how would Hyunjin refuse when Seungmin calls him at 1AM, crying and not being able to talk correctly. Seungmin has now fallen asleep in the passenger seat — his eyes are swollen, his cheeks have a faint pinkish color on them, he has his arms crossed over his chest. He looks so broken and exhausted and wrecked that Hyunjin doesn't dare to wake him up, so he just stares at him. He combs his black bangs and his hand embarks on a dangerous journey through his face, leaving soft caresses all along it. </p><p>That night, Seungmin sleeps in a different pair of arms. A pair of arms that hold him in such a different way that it overwhelms him. A pair of arms that hold him tightly, with love and affection. Hyunjin doesn't ask what happened, because he knows there is no use in it. He wants to give Seungmin space, he wants him to trust him. He wants Seungmin to open up as he used to do. Hyunjin drowns his nose in Seungmin's hair — the sweet scent of vanilla invades his nostrils and it feels just right. He presses Seungmin's body into his chest, not wanting to let go of this moment, because deep down, he knows it might be the first and last time to hold him like this, to feel as if he was his. Not anybody else's. Not Minho's.</p><p>"I'm so sorry." Seungmin whispers against Hyunjin's chest. Hyunjin kisses the top of his head. And then his forehead. And then the tip of his nose, which Seungmin cutely wrinkles at the sudden touch.</p><p>"It's okay." He whispers back. "I love you."</p><p><em>I'm sorry</em>, Seungmin thinks. Because even now, between his arms and caresses and comfort, he is still thinking of Minho. <em> I'm sorry</em>, he thinks. But, this time, he doesn't know who that apology is towards. Hyunjin or <em> Jisung.</em> Or maybe, just maybe, himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first time was a mistake, the second one, not at all.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>some songs i've listened to while writing this &lt;3</p><p>  <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6o9O8YGPG2Q9vSKECuqkZv?si=32NPVsuRTM2sTxaXea-PMQ">days where i was insane playlist</a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time Minho slept with Seungmin it was, definitely, a complete mistake. We must go back in time to a few months ago, in April of that same year. To say that Minho was devastated would be nothing more than an understatement: he was drunk, he was completely wasted, he was tired, he was broken. It takes more than just some hurtful words to take Minho down, because he is strong, both physically and mentally, he has always been — but when such words come from his boyfriend, whom he has been dating for the last three years and a half, it takes nothing but a few minutes to knock him out. The thing is, Minho doesn't usually get carried away by feelings. Minho is not one to let his emotions get the worst of him and, even less, Minho does not cry. Minho is simple, Minho works like a pool. He is like a pool, made of tough materials to be able to withstand a large amount of water. A pool that is always full, a pool that watches seasons passing by as he remains the same.</p><p>From spring to summer, he looks how people have fun, how people enjoy playing with his water as naive and dumb smiles are drawn on their faces. From autumn to winter, he looks as people leave his side once they've had enough, just to be replaced by the faded, dead leaves that time has brought. Minho, as the pool he is, carries along with him dirty water, Minho, as the pool he is, has to wait for his water to be cleaned. Minho, as the pool he is, has his limits, limits that are only threatened by more water, and sometimes, as inevitable as it is, there are storms. And with those loud thunders and scary lightnings, always comes the rain. And the rain makes Minho, who is a pool, overflow. So when Minho has had enough, when Minho's inner pool can't take any more water, he loses control. Because Minho, the tough Lee Minho, Lee Minho, who never cries, does not know how to manage feelings <em>at all</em>.</p><p>So when he finds himself overflowed by feelings and emotions and whatever shit he doesn't know how to take in, he always ends up in the same place. The same place, the same table, the same person. The only person that wouldn't mind using his pool even when his water is freezing. It is always at that same bar, sitting at that old wooden table that creaks under the weight of his huge beer mug and his weary arms. It's always with the company of Chan-hyung. His best friend, his advisor, his pool lifeguard: Bang Christopher Chan-hyung. That rainy April night was no different, the only exception being that that night, <em>Chan wasn't there with him</em>. Up until this day, Minho thinks he wouldn't have made that mistake if Chan had been there, but deep down, even if it's not that deep, even if it's selfish, Minho is somehow kind of glad. Because even when he doesn't say it out loud, he wouldn't have wanted everything to be any different.</p><p>As I have said, Minho is simple. Minho always tries to live his life without regrets, because they only bring pain, and pain is the only thing Minho doesn’t aim to endure. So when he locked eyes with a cute stranger, when he approached said stranger, he didn't regret it. It was 3AM; the clouds were hidden by the darkness of the night sky and the rain could only be noticed under the tender light of the streetlights, standing in the solitude of Seongbuk-gu’s streets as any other day, as they are doomed to do. That night, the last thing Minho expected was to see another pair of eyes that were drowning in the exact same amount of pain as his own. It was just the two of them. Even if there were a few more people, it was just Minho and him, him and Minho — staring at each other as if they were able to guess everything about the other. 'I know how it feels', screamed the stranger's dark orbs, 'I know how you feel'. And Minho believes them. So, that night, when Minho held that stranger's hand, he didn't regret it. That night, when the stranger's smooth hands traveled all along his back, when his hands explored every corner and every spot and every inch of that black haired stranger's body, Minho didn't regret it. </p><p>"Who hurted you?" The stranger, who's name had learned to be Seungmin, asked him, as if it was the most normal thing to ask after some good sex. Minho had his arm under the other's neck, Seungmin was just staring at the ceiling. </p><p>"A very important person," he started, but even Minho can't control his own words, even Minho surprised himself with them, "I guess."</p><p>Seungmin looked at him, and for the first time that night, Minho regretted everything. Because it was looking at him, looking right into his eyes when he knew that, as much as he tried, he could never escape from them. "You guess? Isn't that person important to you, anymore?"</p><p>Minho has always hated when people mess with his emotions, when people make him doubt his own feelings, so when Seungmin asked that and he found he was not able to give him an answer, Minho started hating him a little bit. Just a little. "I don't know. Who hurted you?"</p><p>"Me." Up until today, Minho still wonders what made him start to be curious of Kim Seungmin, and when he looks back at that night, he still asks himself if it was that blunt response or the sadness that filled his voice or the clouds that were trapped in his eyes.</p><p>The first time Minho slept with Seungmin it was, definitely, a complete mistake. A mistake he didn't regret <em>at all</em>. Because how could he, when he woke up to the sweet smell of pancakes, how could he, when Seungmin's velvety-like voice flood both the apartment and his almost broken heart.</p><p>The first time was a mistake, the second one, not at all. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Even though he never says it out loud, Minho never wants Seungmin to leave. Once the time has come, when Seungmin starts buttoning his shirt and is looking for his shoes, when Seungmin leaves that little empty gap in his messy bed, Minho wants to grab Seungmin's hand and ask him to please stay. He wants to ask him, even if it's a bit selfish, to stay just a little while longer. Minho hates the sun, because it is at that moment, when the sun begins to make its appearance, that Seungmin always leaves his side. And the thing is, that even if he doesn't even talk to him, even if he doesn't even look him directly in the eye, Minho wants Seungmin to stay. Because Seungmin is, as sad as it sounds, the only one that can make his days somewhat bearable. It is inconsistent, it doesn't make sense. How can Minho, when he is the one asking Seungmin to leave, want him to stay. It sounds stupid, ridiculous. And maybe it is. But, after all, Minho does what he thinks it is best.</p><p>Truth be told, Minho's life is like a chain, like a cycle. When things get tough, he runs to Seungmin. When things become something he can't withstand, he calls Seungmin. Seungmin, of course, doesn't hesitate on running back to him. Seungmin, of course, is always there with his arms wide open for him. Just for him. Minho calls him, he fucks him, and once he feels better, he gets rid of him. It sounds tough, it sounds mean, rough, disgusting. Minho knows it does, Minho knows <em>it is</em>. But for him, even if it is hard to believe, Seungmin is more than just sex. Seungmin is much more. He doesn't know when nor how nor why, but at some point, during one of the many nights he has spent with him, something in the way he looks at Seungmin changed. Something in the way he holds him. Something in the way he kisses him. Or maybe the fact that he started kissing him. At some point, Minho lost control — it was the way they looked at each other's eyes while doing it; it was the way Seungmin fingers intertwined with his, it was the way in which, without acknowledging so, sex turned into making love.</p><p>And it is because of this that Minho asks Seungmin to leave every single time. Because, deep down, he is scared. For the first time, Lee Minho, who never cries, Lee Minho, who never loses control, Lee Minho, who doesn't let his emotions get the worst of him, is <em>scared</em>. Because not even his own boyfriend made him feel the way Seungmin does. Because in his three and a half years of relationship with Han Jisung, as happy as he has been with him, he hasn't felt like Seungmin makes him feel. And it is so terrifying, so incomprehensible, that it makes his head spin every time. It makes him feel dizzy, it makes him feel sick. The side effects that Seungmin plays on him are so strong and intoxicating, so heady, that it never fails to make Minho feel like he isn't sober anymore. Minho knows he will hurt him. Minho does not want to. And it is, once again, so contradictory… How someone who doesn't want to hurt another someone, hurts him. But Minho has an excuse, he swears he can explain. Minho rather hurt Seungmin to push him away than let him stay and hurt him even more. </p><p>It is almost pathetic. So pathetic that he wants to laugh.</p><p>This is Minho's cycle of life. This is Minho's chain of pain — Minho wants Seungmin. Minho calls Seungmin. Minho has Seungmin. Then Minho regrets. But Minho misses Seungmin, so he, once again, calls him. <em>Minho falls for Seungmin</em>. Then Minho regrets. But Minho loves Seungmin, so why can't he have him? Why can't Minho love him? Jisung. He has Han Jisung. Minho pushes Seungmin away. But, again, once again, Minho misses Seungmin. He doesn't want to keep on regretting, Minho wants to ease his mind once and for all, but sometimes, just sometimes, Minho makes stupid decissions. So Minho runs to Seungmin. Like he always does. And Seungmin waits for him, like he will always does. Minho doesn't want to hurt Seungmin, but because he <em>misses</em> him, because he <em>needs</em> him, because he <em>loves</em> him, he does. Unintentionally, he always hurts Seungmin. Because of his stupid needs, because of his stupid decissions, because he is weak, he hurts Seungmin. Because he has Jisung.</p><p>His relationship with Han Jisung is, indeed, something precious to him. So precious that even now, when it has already burnt down to nothing but ashes, he still treasures it. And right now, facing no other than Han Jisung himself, who is sitting on his couch, who is looking at him while he looks at other person, he acknowledges how much he fucked up. His relationship with Han Jisung is complicated. It has always been that way. Jisung is the most amazing person he has ever met: he is sweet, he is talented, he is funny. He has that special thing that makes every single person like him. Han Jisung is just like that. But as sweet and caring as he is, Jisung is also explosive, unpredictable. Jisung is like one of those candies that are incredibly sweet when you place it in your mouth, and it's filled with that also incredibly sour liquid that gives you chills. Han Jisung has always been a bomb, and Minho the lighter meant to make it explode. Maybe it is the other way around. Maybe it goes both ways.</p><p>"It was him, right? The boy I met at the entrance." Minho closes his eyes. He knows it is not worth denying it. Minho knows, even if he doesn't want to, that Jisung already knew. So he nods. "You're an asshole."</p><p><em>I know</em>.</p><p>The car Seungmin is in it's now gone. <em>I'm sorry</em>, he thinks. Because even in that moment, when he shouldn't, when Jisung is there, he is thinking of Seungmin. He is wondering who Seungmin is with. He is wondering if, whoever that person is, will take more care of Seungmin. He wonders if, whoever that person is, will love him more than he does. "Why did you have to hurt someone like him?" </p><p>Typical Han Jisung, worrying more about others than he himself. He has changed so much in such a short time, Minho thinks, that it seems unrealistic. "Was it worth it?" </p><p>Jisung scoffs. He stands up and takes a beer from Minho's fridge. "It's seriously amazing how you're trying to fix things when a few seconds ago you were staring at him. Thinking about him. Do you think I'm stupid, Minho?" <em>No</em>. Of course not. Never he has. Never he will. "Minho. What is keeping us tied up?" There is something in his words… something in Jisung's words that hurt yet makes him feel free. 'Tied up'. Not 'together'. Not any other word he could have used. 'Tied up', because it doesn't feel like something they both want anymore. 'Tied up' because neither of them are really free.</p><p>"Time? Memories? Fear?" Minho doesn't know who he is answering to. Jisung is now next to him. They're both staring at the moon, which shyly hides behind some clouds that are just passing by. And Minho wonders what love is. Minho wonders how, like clouds, love passes by just to say hi. Love comes and as fast as he arrives, it goes. It slips through his fingers like dust, like the ashes that are now him and Han Jisung. "I don't know, Han. But it doesn't feel like love anymore." Jisung nods in understanding. He takes a sip of his beer and smiles. Not a sad smile, not a disappointed one. </p><p>"I want to be mad at you." Jisung is not looking at him. The moon has fully come out now, and it looks so beautiful that it doesn't seem real. "I want to be mad at you because even if it was over already, I trusted you. I want to be mad at you because you should have told me. I want to punch you, because before your boyfriend I was your best friend, Minho. And we promised that, no matter what, that would remain the same." Minho loses interest in the moon. Jisung's smile has faded, he looks hurted. Jisung is hurt not because he has lost his boyfriend, but because he feels he has lost his friend. "I want to be mad at you, but I can't."</p><p>"I'm sorry." It sucks. It is a lame apology. Minho knows that. But if he says anything more, his voice will break. And that's all Jisung would need to break down. And Minho doesn't want Jisung to cry that night. </p><p>"I'm sorry too." Jisung takes Minho's hand between his. He holds it tight. "We both signed up for this, Min. And we both fucked up. Let's not ruin it more."</p><p>Minho smiles and stretches Jisung's hand. "Are you breaking up with me, Han Jisung?" </p><p>"I'm setting us free."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The first time Seungmin said 'I love you' he didn't mean to. And when it happened, he wondered what exactly was what he didn't mean to do: if saying those words or the actual action of loving Minho. He ended up believing he didn't mean to do neither of them. But he did. He fell for Minho and he told him. The only response he got that day was a nod and a paper tissue — not for his tears, but for cleaning himself (even though he could use it for the first). </p><p>It's like those cinematic parallels comparisons. Seungmin was in Minho's bed, between Minho's arms, when he said those three words. Minho didn't — doesn't — feel the same way and now Seungmin's heart is broken. Now Seungmin is in Hyunjin's bed, between Hyunjin's arms, when Hyunjin says those exact same words. But Seungmin doesn't feel the same way and he doesn't want Hyunjin's heart to break like his. Seungmin fakes to be sleeping because that's all he can think of at the moment, but deep inside, even if tears are not coming out of his eyes, he is crying again. Because Hyunjin doesn't deserve any of this, because he doesn't deserve a friend like Hyunjin. It hurts him. It messes up with his head and heart. He is so broken and so tired that he doesn't know what to do nor what to believe anymore. He wants to stop loving Minho. He wants to return Hyunjin all the love he has given to him. He wants to love Hyunjin, he just <em>can't</em>.</p><p>The next morning, he finds himself alone in Hyunjin's bed, and when he sees him in the kitchen, attempting to cook some breakfast that could turn out actually edible, Seungmin can't help but fondly smile at his clumsiness. Hyunjin greets him with his beautiful smile, a glass of milk and some burnt toasts, but Seungmin doesn't mind. Not anymore. He sits in front of Hyunjin to enjoy his food, but before, the black haired boy checks his phone just to see Minho's name between his missed calls and unreaden texts, and for the first time, even if it's tough, even if it hurts, Seungmin locks his phone. He ignores Minho's name and looks at Hyunjin, who is silently eating his breakfast. And Seungmin smiles. Because he is slowly learning. Because, at that moment, he doesn't need anything more besides being with Hyunjin. </p><p>Because, right now, he doesn't need Minho. Lee Minho, who has broken his heart so many times. Lee Minho, who doesn't look at him the same way he does. Lee Minho, who has Jisung.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1. sorry minho for comparing u w a pool<br/>2. sorry cc anon for saying i would update on wednesday, yesterday i thought it was tuesday :]</p><p>what if..... chap 3...... jk haha...... unless......</p><p>  <a href="https://twitter.com/maradaeng?s=09">twitter</a><br/>writing acc<br/><a href="https://curiouscat.qa/maradaeng/post/1142478447">cc</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first time they met it was a coincidence. The second time it was, definitely, fate.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Hyunjin's gaze met those lost puppy-like eyes through the lens of his old Fujifilm XF10, he knew the game was over for him. Deep down, something told him he had already lost, but of course, at that moment, he didn't listen. And maybe, even today, after a very long time, he regrets not listening to that voice. Because as much as he loves Seungmin and as much as Seungmin brightens his days, he hurts him. Because he hurts him even when he doesn't intend to. Because even when he smiles at him and holds his hand and laughs as brightly as he always does, it just hurts him so damn much. It all started during a very hot summer day, sometime between five and seven in the afternoon, when the sunlight turns into that warm and placid orange hue that feels so warm at the touch of our skin. Hyunjin has always been a photography enthusiast, but for whatever reasons, be it his studies or just the lack of time or will, he had never really delved into the matter. At least not until that day. That fateful day when he met Kim Seungmin, who later, without him knowing, would become an essential person in his life. And Hyunjin should have known. He should have been able to tell when he lowered his camera just to meet those pairs of eyes, that were silently asking him to reach out to the dark brown haired stranger. He should have known by then that Seungmin, without both of them knowing, would become his downfall.</p><p>"You're holding it wrong." 'Huh?' it's all Hyunjin managed to utter. And he must have looked <em>so</em> stupid at the time that it's highly embarrassing to even remember that moment. "The camera. You're holding it wrong. You're covering the lense with your finger, silly." Seungmin, whose name he didn't know by the time, giggled — and Hyunjin thought it didn't matter to make a fool of himself at all if he got to hear such a beautiful and endearing sound. </p><p>He must have looked stupid. Standing there, staring at the boy as if he was speaking any other language but Korean. 'I'm new with this', he wanted to say. He wanted to try and make himself seem less stupid that he already made himself seem, but at the time, he didn't seem to find words or words didn't seem to find the way out. It wasn't until he noticed the other boy's soft hands on his that he showed some sort of reaction, this being to blush at the velvety-like touch of the stranger over his skin. "Here. That's better." Said Seungmin as he fixed the taller man's hands on the camera. Hyunjin wondered how he could manage to keep that kind smile while dealing with such a stupid stranger like him. "Don't open your arms too much while holding it. They will get tired quickly."</p><p>With that last advice, Seungmin waved goodbye. With another (beautiful) smile, Seungmin walked out of his life. Or so he thought. "Hey," Hyunjin found his voice, which came out more like an embarrassing, high pitched squeak. With his cheeks still burning and the grip on his Fujifilm XF10 tightening, he looked at Seungmin — Seungmin, then, turned around to look at him, and Hyunjin thought, under the faded light of an already sleepy sun kissing his features, that he didn't seem real, "thank you." </p><p>Seungmin nodded and his smile, if that is even possible, widened.</p><p>The first time they met, it was a coincidence. The second time it was, definitely, fate. Or so the hopeless romantic self of Hyunjin liked to think, who could have never thought of crossing paths again with that cute stranger that got him so flustered in a matter of just a few seconds. It was as in those cliché movies people enjoy watching thousands and thousands of times. Those overly sweet and mediocre movies that, even though we already know by heart, we still enjoy as if it was the first time. Not even a week had passed since their awkward encounter, and Hyunjin had by then forgotten about his lame scene in that hot August evening, where he found himself falling in a trap disguised as an angelic smile and a cute pair of deer-looking eyes that perfectly hid the hint of a mischievous kid. Not even a week had passed when he met Seungmin again. Sitting next to the window of the studio, watching as the wind cradled the already weary trees' leaves, was Seungmin. Drowsy eyes and messy hair gently falling over them; chin resting on the palm of his hand as a subtle sigh escaped from his slightly parted lips, he looked as ethereal as the last time. So ethereal and so beautiful that Hyunjin had to hold the urge to portray such a sight with his Fujifilm. Instead, he imprinted it with fire on his mind. On his heart.</p><p>It was during a short photography course his college was holding when he got to know about Kim Seungmin. He got to learn about him: his little weird sounds of excitement, his dad jokes, that even though they were lame, somehow managed to make him laugh. He got to learn about his passion for photography, about how good he was with the camera, and about his cute obsession with blueberry smoothies and banana milk. They spent two weeks working together. Two weeks that were enough to make him fall for the captivating Kim Seungmin. Two weeks that seemed to not be enough for him. Two weeks that left him craving for some more. So when they met for the third time, Hyunjin thought it was the last time he would let Seungmin escape from him. In the middle of September, their eyes met again. Through thick glass and a soft light reflection, their eyes met for the third time. And they both smiled. It was in the same café where Seungmin was left alone during that rainy day where their friendship began to blossom. It was between upcoming late night meetings, between songs and books and his Fujifilm's flash, when his feelings for Seungmin began to blossom as well. It was between smiles and late, deep night conversations over the phone and laughs and eyes growing into crescents when Hyunjin found his heart filled with the pinkish petals of their friendship. A friendship he didn't know he would want to be something more. A friendship that turned into love. A love that came off as unrequited. And it is a fact that every petal is jinxed to fall. As time passes by, as people come and go and stay, petals slowly fall into the cold ground, that awaits as its fate was already settled from the start. Which leads us to the present, to the last petal of Hyunjin's heart.</p><p>It is at the third sigh in a row when Seungmin knows there is something off with Hyunjin. It is in his lost and saddened gaze, in his resting hands over the table, where he acknowledges there is something wrong. He has a slight frown on his face and Seungmin thinks he is not even aware that he has stopped eating his breakfast a while ago. Seungmin has known him for a long time now, and it is such a long amount of time that he is able to read Hyunjin. Hyunjin is like an open book, like a wall made out of glass. Seungmin can see through him, right in his mind, right in his heart. He has always been able to tell what is worrying him, what got him mad or what to do to cheer him up. But right now, at that exact moment, as he tries to lock eyes with Hyunjin, he finds himself lost in thoughts. He finds himself trying to figure out what's wrong. And Seungmin doesn't understand. He doesn't understand why now, when he is starting to see clearly, when he is finally cutting the leash, Minho's leash that kept him tightly tied to him, everything seems to fall down again. It is confusing. It is strange. Because he doesn't understand, but he also doesn't ask. When Hyunjin's gaze travels from the floor to Seungmin's phone, and from Seungmin's phone to, finally, Seungmin's eyes — when Seungmin is, at last, able to ask, he doesn't.</p><p>It was during a short and simple photography course when their friendship began to blossom. It was in that small studio of Cheongdam-dong, next to that small window, when Hyunjin’s fate played its cards. And if he won or he lost, that Hyunjin still wonders until the day of today. Having Seungmin in front of him, ignoring Minho's calls, ignoring Minho's texts, should have been somehow relieving, even comforting, but the thing is… it’s not. Even though he should be happy, even though he should be glad, he is not. Because he likes Seungmin. He <em>loves</em> Seungmin. And because he does, he wants him to be happy. And Seungmin’s happiness, for Hyunjin’s misfortune, already has a name. And as much as he wants that to change, as much as he wants to become his source of happiness and the reason for his everyday smile… he can’t. On that cold Saturday morning, between pancakes and milk and ignored calls of a broken heart, Hyunjin finally acknowledges his loss. Hyunjin wants Seungmin to be happy, and because he wants him to be happy, he has to let him go. And for a second, just a mere second, he wishes he had realized it sooner. Because maybe, if he had, he wouldn’t have cried as much as he has.</p><p>"You should go." For a moment, Seungmin is baffled. He thinks he has not heard him right, that his ears must have failed him. He thinks it must be a mistake. He thinks Hyunjin sounds just like Minho. And it hurts. "You should go with him, Seungmin."</p><p>"What— What are you talking about?" But he knows, he just doesn't want to face it. He doesn't want to face reality. Not anymore. Seungmin has realized reality hurts, that reality is painful. He just wants to live in a dream. A dream made of beautiful lies.</p><p>"He keeps texting you. For God's sake, he has even called you at least three times." Seungmin looks at his phone. 'Please' is the last text message he is able to read. Minho's name is over it. "What are you doing here, Seungmin? And please, don't come up with whatever excuse. Be honest. What are you doing here? Why aren't you with him?"</p><p>"Why are you doing this? Why— I don't understand. Isn't this what you have always wanted, Hyunjin? I thought—"</p><p>"You thought what, Seungmin? That I am some consolation prize? Is that what I am to you? Is that what I will always be? The guy you run to when he hurts you? Your personal first-aid kit? Seungmin, you don't love me. You won't love me by tomorrow, or the next day or the day that follows. Love is not something you can learn, love is not something you can force. Don't you get it? No matter how hard I try, no matter how much time passes… It will always be him. As much as I hate to admit it, it has always been him. He won the first time he met you. If I can see it, why can't you?" Hyunjin's breath is heavy, shaky. His eyes are red as he retains his tears. He has always avoided it, he has always evaded the idea. He has always known that day would come. He just didn't want it to happen. And now that it is actually happening, it seems so unrealistic that for a moment he believes he is still sleeping. For a moment, he believes he still has Seungmin between his arms. For a moment, he believes it's all a nightmare that, eventually, will come to an end. "Go."</p><p>"Hyunjin—"</p><p>"Seungmin, <em>please</em>. Go. Go with him." Hand over his forehead, gaze fixed on his barely touched food, Hyunjin remains tired, exhausted. The syrup over the pancakes is now cold, as are Hyunjin's hands, who remain on his forehead, hiding his shame, hiding his pain. Hiding the fact that he might cry at any moment. He doesn't dare look at Seungmin. He doesn't dare raise his head. He knows he is being an asshole. He knows he is being harsh on him. But he just doesn't know how to deal with everything no more. He doesn't know how to deal with this unilateral love, with his broken heart, with his heavy chest. "Leave me alone."</p><p>Scared and desperate, Seungmin rushes to Hyunjin's side, and he takes his cold hands between his, holding them tightly. They are as cold as a dead body — dead as Hyunjin's faith on his love for him. Hyunjin doesn't look at him, and even though his long hair covers part of his features, Seungmin is able to see he has his eyes closed. "Are you being serious right now, Jin? I— I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't see you as a consolation prize or whatever does that mean. How could I, Hyunjin? Is that… Is that how you think of me? Do you really think I would do that to you…? Do you really think I am that heartless?" </p><p>Hyunjin shakes his head. His shoulders are now trembling as he lets all out. After years of waiting, he finally lets all out. "I'm sorry. I just can't take it anymore, Seungmin. I can't accept the fact that you will never be as happy as you are with him with me. I just… It just hurts so damn much that it's not me. That it has never been me and never will be…"</p><p>Sometimes, it is better to remain silent. Sometimes, words are not necessary. Sometimes, all people need is to be held and feel loved, feel like they are not alone. Sometimes words can cause more damage. Seungmin knows Hyunjin. Seungmin knows what Hyunjin needs — so he wraps his arms around him. He holds him tight and gently strokes his hair. He strokes his hair and lets him cry in against his chest. And Seungmin is scared that Hyunjin might feel his fast heart beats. He is scared that his heart betrays him and gives away how afraid he actually is. That cold November morning, under the sound of Hyunjin's sobs, under the sound of his heart breaking, Seungmin cries along with him. Hyunjin, with his arms around his waist and his face buried on his chest, cries along with the sound of a nascent rain. Because never will he love someone as much as he loves Kim Seungmin. Because never will he miss someone as much as he will miss Kim Seungmin, who even without intending to, seems to be walking off his life.</p><p>"Can I kiss you?" It's unexpected. It takes Seungmin aback. But he nods. And Hyunjin takes his face between his hands to look at him directly in the eye. His face is swollen and wet. Seungmin closes his eyes, not quite sure if it is because he is expecting the kiss or because the broken image of Hyunjin just breaks him as well. "I love you, Kim Seungmin." Is the last thing he hears before feeling Hyunjin's lips on his forehead.</p><p>It definitely is not the kiss he was expecting. It is a sweet and innocent kiss. A sweet kiss with the sour taste of a sad goodbye. A sweet kiss with the bitter taste of an unrequited love. A soft kiss which carries all of Hyunjin's love and pain and all the unspoken words he will not be able to say out loud anymore. A kiss that breaks the spell he was under, a spell that now frees Seungmin. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>One, two, three days. A bunch of missed calls and emerging texts he is not willing to read. His phone remains now off, silently resting on his nightstand as Seungmin travels around the borders of his mind, as he sleeps in an attempt of avoiding what he is most scared of: Lee Minho. Not Lee Minho's persona but the fact that some day, even if he does not want to, he will have to face him. He will have to face reality, his reality. The reality of being in love with Lee Minho, the reality of always being in love with him. He wanders on a thin line of regrets and dilemmas, he wanders on a thin line that separates him from his only truth. He is scared. He wonders what Minho wants. Will he finish what he started? Will he put an end to whatever they used to have? Seungmin hugs his pillow — it has become his habit. He hugs his pillow and thinks of it as Minho. He tries to recall his scent, the beat of his heart, the swinging of his chest as he calmly breathes. He recalls every kiss, every laugh and every smile. His voice, his caresses, his funny attempts at cooking something. Seungmin wants to let it all go, Seungmin wants to move on, Seungmin wants to forget Minho. And he is aware he won't be able to do it if he just lets himself sink between the sheets and mattress of his cold and empty bed, becoming a victim to his own thoughts.</p><p>It is hard, it takes effort, but Seungmin finds a little strength to get out of bed. Seoul's weather has been crazy these past days, switching from sun to rain and from rain to just lonely clouds. From clouds, it changes to wind, and the wind always brings along Seungmin's yearning. Seoul's weather has been insane, and wandering around the empty streets of that isolated morning, Seungmin thinks he has become like Seoul's weather. And just like Minho has his safe space, that place he runs away when things get tough, Seungmin has his own little spot, where he finds himself now as he tries to escape from life. It is that same café he had visited with Hyunjin. That same café where he met Hyunjin for that third time. Ah, Hyunjin. In that table, next to the same fogged window, the sad frames of that day echo in his head. Like a tape without a pause button, like a tape that reproduces all over again without an end. He is so focused on his own movie, on that tragic scene under the rain, that he doesn't seem to notice a figure that approaches him, so Seungmin gets startled when he hears a voice he can perfectly recognize. A voice that haunts him and will always do. "Hey… can I sit here?" </p><p>Seungmin looks at him, at Jisung, who is standing next to his table with an awkward yet somehow soft smile that makes him feel uneasy. But how could he not feel like that when it is Jisung who we are talking about. Jisung, whom he has been lying to when he doesn't even know him. Jisung, who tried to comfort him though he didn't deserve it. Jisung, who seems to notice Seungmin's discomfort as he has started playing with his fingers under the table. Not bothering in waiting for an answer, Jisung takes a seat, and looking at Seungmin, he presses his hands together. "I saw you from afar and recognize you, so I thought I could say hi... Hi." Seungmin is confused, Jisung is embarrassed at his failed attempt to ease the tension that fills the air. "How are you feeling, Seungmin?"</p><p>Jisung calling him by his name can only mean one thing, and as shocked and scared as he is, Seungmin tries his best to remain calm. "Why are you being so nice with me? You don't understand—"</p><p>"That you knew about us being together? Yeah, I know that. And I understand, as stupid as it may sound. I guess… I guess it is not easy to let go the people you love." Seungmin's mind thinks of Hyunjin. Of how painful it must has been for him. And he thinks that maybe they are more similar than he has ever thought. He thinks that, maybe, they are just two stupid lovesicks blinded by their own feelings. "Do you love him, Seungmin? Was this break up worth the pain? Minho is complicated. He really is. But… he is not a bad person, Seungmin. He might seem like he doesn't care, but he does. He cares too much. Way more than he should." Jisung's gaze is fixed on the wooden table of Renjun's café, on his own hands as he plays with his keyring — the small figure of a squirrel that playfully hangs off the keys. "He will take good care of you, Seungmin. Promise me you will take good care of him too, please."</p><p>Seungmin hesitates. He doesn't know if he should tell Jisung he has been avoiding Minho, that he does not have the intention of talking to him any time soon. But seeing him that way, with dark circles around his tired eyes, with a small smile even when he should be yelling at him, Seungmin's heart aches, Seungmin's heart feels guilty, it feels heavy. "I can't promise you that, Jisung. As much as I would love to… I just can't."</p><p>Jisung nods, because he understands Seungmin. Jisung nods and looks at Seungmin. "You didn't talk with Minho, right?" <em>No. I don't want to. I'm scared.</em> "It's not my place to say anything, but I think you now have an idea of how I work." Jisung lets out a short laugh. It is sarcastic yet somehow relieving. "I really think you should, Seungmin. Because he has never looked at me the same way he looks at you."</p><p>Seungmin is tired of his heart being punched when it doesn't ask for it. Seungmin is tired of being confused. And as days go by, the more confused he feels. Jisung is about to leave, and Seungmin is scared to be left alone with his nonsense thoughts. "Why?" Jisung looks at him. "Why do you understand? How I feel— What I feel… How can you understand?"</p><p>"Because I once was you, Seungmin." <em>Just like you.</em></p><p>Renjun's café bell emits its witty sound as Jisung leaves Seungmin more confused and heartbroken than ever. With those words and deep gaze and saddened voice, Jisung leaves Seungmin dazzled and lost. In that same table, next to that same window, Seungmin looks at Jisung go, as he wonders whose heart is more damaged. Life is full of cinematic parallels, we just don't pay enough attention to them. Hyunjin was once the one to cross that same street, without looking back, without stopping his feet's track. Heart broken and lost soul, Hyunjin crossed the street, leaving him behind. Now it is Jisung. Now Jisung's turn has come. And Seungmin wonders who is the real victim, who is the one that more pain holds. Is it Hyunjin, whom he has stolen three years of life? Is it Jisung, whom he has stolen three years of love? Is it him, Seungmin, who has been stolen his own heart? </p><p>"Why is it that every time you come here you are left alone like this?" Renjun's voice, as soft as it is, can be poisonous, toxic. But as toxic as it can be, it is also wise and full of sympathy. Seungmin thinks it is quite contradictory. "I think he was right."</p><p>"Why were you even listening?"</p><p>"Because I care about you." Too cheesy for Renjun, so he continues. "And because you are hopeless. Doesn't everyone deserve a chance to talk? To explain? Think about it. Jisung could have swore at you, yelled at you. But… he didn't. Shouldn't you do the same with Minho?"</p><p>"The only problem is… I'm not Jisung, Renjun."</p><p>"No. You're Seungmin. Understanding, empathetic. Caring." Renjun poses one of his hands over Seungmin's head. "You are Kim Seungmin, not as tough as you want to seem. You love him, right? If you love him, listen to what he has to tell you. And then decide whatever you want to do."</p><p>"I hate you."</p><p>"You hate that I'm always right." </p><p>"I hate that I love you."</p><p>"Cliché."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Seungmin, once again, without knowing how or why, finds his feet leading him to the place he less wants to be. Once again, he finds himself at the place he is most afraid to be. The astonishment in Minho’s face doesn’t go unnoticed, but in his eyes, Seungmin can see a small hint of relief as well. Minho’s shoulders fall as he lets out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding back during all that time and, without any word, lets Seungmin in. There are so many things that he could, wants and needs to say, that he <em>needs</em> to let out, that words get stuck in his mind and in his throat as they fight to come out all at once. So, instead of saying anything, Minho just waits for Seungmin to talk, to take the lead — because he is not quite sure if he will be able to form a sentence that actually makes sense any time soon. And because he doesn’t want to mess everything up, Minho takes his time to put both his thoughts and feelings in order. And it is so difficult when he has Seungmin in front of him, waiting for him to say something; waiting for him to take the courage he has never had. But what can he say? ‘I’m sorry’? It would be stupid, it would be so dumb. It wouldn’t be enough. Not now. ‘Will you forgive me’? But who is he kidding? He knows the answer to that. ‘I love you’? He could. He wants to. But Seungmin would laugh right in his face. And Minho would not blame him for that, if that was the case.</p><p>“What is all of this about?” Minho is still standing next to the door, lost in a filthy mix of thoughts and feelings when Seungmin’s broken voice brings him back to Earth. He hadn’t realized he has been in his own world, a world that is now ruled by Kim Seungmin, as his name is the only thing to fill his mind and heart and dreams and nightmares. A world that now revolves around Kim Seungmin and Kim Seungmin only, who has become his one and only priority. In reality, it has always been that way, it has always been Kim Seungmin, so full of charms, so full of love. Minho just has been too thoughtless and blind to realize that in time. “What is this sick joke, hyung?”</p><p><em>Painful</em>. It is painful that Seungmin thinks of them, of whatever they have or have had, as something 'sick', as a 'joke'. But, again, Minho can’t blame him for thinking that way. It is painful to hear Seungmin calling him ‘hyung’. A hyung is supposed to take good care of you, a hyung is supposed to be always there for you, during rough times, to give you comfort and advice, to get the pain away. But has he? Minho has been the source of Seungmin’s pain. Minho was not there to ease Seungmin’s heart. Minho was not there, Hyunjin was. Minho has not been a good hyung. And Lee Minho, who wants to live life with no regrets, adds this to his never ending list. “Seungmin, no— It was…” a mistake? Minho closes his eyes. Because he is not good at expressing his feelings, because he has chosen the incorrect words. Because Seungmin is not a fool. He closes his eyes and sighs. Because Seungmin can read his mind, because he knows him so well that it is puzzling. Because he has messed everything up one more time. One last time.</p><p>“Say it. Say it, damn it! Say it was all a mistake.” Pause. Seungmin needs air. He needs to breathe. He needs to prepare himself for those words that are about to come out of his mouth. Words he is not ready to say, words he doesn’t want to hear, words he doesn’t want to be true. “Say I was a mistake.”</p><p>“But you weren’t, Seungmin! The only mistake here was not telling you. Not telling Jisung. The only mistake was me. I was scared. Fuck, I was scared to death. In what other way could I have been feeling when you made me, no, make me feel things I have never felt before? I know there is no excuse. I know I was a fucking asshole. I know I don't deserve you. I know once you walk through that door I will never see you again. And I deserve it. I just— I just wanted to let you know." Minho's shoulders go up and down. Up. Down. Trembling, they come and go, just like people, like feelings. Minho's shoulders dance at his breathing beat. </p><p>"Let me know? Let me know what, exactly?"</p><p>"Let you know that I was stupid enough to not realize it has always been you. That I'm in love with you, Seungmin. That I love you."</p><p>Seungmin nods. As he walks next to Minho, just to stand there looking at him, as a sad smile makes its way to his face, Seungmin nods. Grabbing the door knob, eyes not leaving Minho's interrogating ones, that silently beg him to not leave him, Seungmin nods. "You love me?" He nods because he understands. And as he understands, it only hurts more. And Seungmin is not willing to withstand more pain. "Should I give you a tissue, then?"</p><p>Just like that night, when he didn't mean to say 'I love you'. Just like that night, when he faked to be asleep because he didn't know what to say, because he didn’t want to face his stupid feelings. Just cinematic parallels.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so..... i guess this is the end? sighs. </p><p>believe me when i tell you i wrote this all over again. i kinda didn't want it to end, so writing chap 3 was really difficult. i thought of thousands of different possible endings and none of them made me satisfied. even now that i posted it i'm not truly satisfied with how it is written. i think i could have done a better job. either way, i poured all my heart on this. i enjoyed every word i wrote. this may be dramatic or exagerated but idk, it's just the way i feel. and seeing how much people liked it made me honestly above happy. any time i finish some of my works i feel kind of empty, so don't mind me, i'm just sad one of my sons is... gone? whatever omg what am i even writing 😔🤘🏼</p><p>i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did writing it and i hope you won't hate me because of the ending. i thought it was the fairest one, but i'm ngl, the thought of making it happy and end it with seungsung crossed my mind lmao</p><p>anyways xoxo thanks for reading imma go cry while i write another sad shit ✨✨✨</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://twitter.com/maradaeng?s=09">twt</a></p><p>  <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/maradaeng">cc</a></p>
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